


Chalk

by mosaicu_baby



Category: Jeff Beck - Fandom, Led Zeppelin
Genre: Coping, Magical Realism, Other, Slice of Life, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:29:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26367220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosaicu_baby/pseuds/mosaicu_baby
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	Chalk

'Are you sure?', Jeff asks.

Jimmy shrugs. No, he's not, but can it get worse? If something goes wrong he will suffocate probably yet isn't he dying anyway?

'So will you do it for me?'

'I don't know, I have to think. That's insane'

'I have nobody else', Jimmy isn't lying, if someone can make him this kind of favor it's Jeff. He cannot even think about negotiating something like this with anybody without making other people hysterical, 'Please?'

'I'll give you a call', Jeff says instead suiting himself back into his coat. Jimmy's heart shrinks in forefeeling of Jeff never coming back because Jimmy is too fucked up and demanding, but Jeff turns around to give him a hug, 'And don't make a move before we come to agreement, promise me'

'I promise'

With this they part, achieved no consensus. Jimmy hates to wait, especially now when he's ready to change but he knows he shall give Jeff space because he's asking too much. Days stretch into forever, nights are even worse, they mix together into endless insomnia. Jimmy has to collect all his patience to wait for a call, he starts to fear that Jeff will never talk to him again yet one day it happens. Jimmy's laying down in his room too exhausted to do anything like dressing properly or eating or brushing his teeth when he hears Charlotte's voice coming from downstairs. 

'Wanna pick up a phone?'

'Who's this? Just tell them to leave me alone'

'It's Jeff, I thought you'd like to talk'

Jimmy almost jumps on the bed. He races to the door, then remembers that he's naked, gets back to dress. His hands aren't obeying him, he's too impatient. 

'Ask him to hold on, I'm coming'

Jimmy's in such a rush that he almost gets entangled in his own jeans. He runs to the phone half dressed, barefoot and when he finally reaches for receiver and presses it to his cheek he's breathing hard.

'Jesus, stop smoking, you sound like consumptive'

Jimmy can only squeeze sound of agreement out of his lungs. Jeff sighs.

'All right, I guess you won't ask me how am I doing, let's get straight to business. Where do we go? Did you plan it already?'

'Yes–Wait are you serious?'

'More serious than ever'

Jimmy feels his lips stretching into smile, something that didn't happen to him for a long time. It's even painful because he forgot how to do it. 'Thank you'

Jeff stops the engine but doesn't get out of the car. His hands are so tensed on the wheel that knuckles turn pale.

'Are we coming out?', Jimmy twitches on his sit, unable to stop fidgeting. He was drinking himself to half-numb condition all the way and glancing out of the window from time to time. Now scent of salty water makes him alerted. Jimmy immediately catches the wind in his hair, it's nothing like gentle touches of summer breeze, more of angry pulling which keeps him sobered up.

They didn't come up with strict plan, Jeff just packed the tools, some food, hot drinks and blanket and they jumped in the car before Jimmy's courage is gone. Now Jeff's squinting as hair keeps getting into his eyes and pursing his lips probably regretting coming here.

'Cannot believe what we are up to, it looks like a joke to me'

Jimmy shrugs and pushes the door. Strong gust hits him trying to get under his clothes, freeze him to death. It's still too bright to start without getting noticed by someone, Jimmy doesn't want unneeded attention. He suggests they should go watch lighthouse if they are here anyway. Sand somehow trickily finds it's way into his shoes making it uncomfortable to walk, but Jimmy doesn't stop to get rid of it. It's all sand and chalk and some dead plants which blends together in all shades of depressing grey and desperate blue, clothes they wear is dark too making them look like tall shadows, miserable parody of themselves. Only old lighthouse stands out of this dismal ugly landscape.

'The Samaritans? What the hell', Jeff mumbles. Jimmy reads the sign indifferently while they are passing by, his gaze slides to the number given for urgent calls. Like if anyone will call some strangers for help, stupid waste of effort in his opinion. Some people find it amusing to pretend they care, Jimmy himself hates fake concern. Well, he is being hateful for past years, nothing kept him entertained or interested, he was insensible. Maybe he just fell asleep one day and couldn't wake up, that's why they are here.

They go down to the shore. The lighthouse sends signals to ships that aren't coming and Jimmy feels such a pity for how things once meaningful and valuable can turn out useless. He knows that the lighthouse was automated the same year earlier and all the keepers were fired, he read it somewhere. It sends him chills to the bones just thinking about darkness and emptiness inside the building, being a keeper in such a place is supposed to be terrible. He imagines meaningless days slipping into lonely nights, the roar of the wind inside the halls, constant freeze. It's a wonder if these people didn't become alcoholics after a couple of month working there so doomed it seems. Lighthouse itself reminds him of a big eye always watching, stalking, it's so unpleasant that Jimmy cringes. Jeff's sending him glances when he thinks that Jimmy isn't looking, but Jimmy senses it with his skin as if he's being undressed in front of the crowd. He slows down his pass and Jeff walks a little further before turning around. 

'Go, I'll follow'

'You okay?'

'Kind of'

Wind howls in his ears, echoed by splashes of waves, shushing, whispering. Seagulls are floating on the water, whining about somethings humans cannot understand, like lost souls mourning for the end of their lives. These hysterical cries gives Jimmy headache or maybe it's from the booze. And it's icily cold. Jimmy searches for warmth of other human being almost instinctively and Jeff's ready to provide it for him. They don't speak, both are drawn in the depth of their own thoughts and worries but for the first time in months it doesn't make Jimmy feeling disconnected, it's opposite, he feels good, calm and valuable. Jeff came all the way to support his idea, there is no better prove of his understanding. They smoke in silence. Jimmy drops cigarette butt in the water and the waves take it as his sacrifice, swing it and devour, stealing away together with ashes blown by the wind.

'It's old red Indian's ritual', Jimmy explains. Jeff doesn't reply having nothing to say because it's already decided, when Jimmy wants something he follows his instincts till the end. No one ever succeded in dissuading him, Jeff doesn't even try.

On the way to the car Jimmy glances back to spot footprints they left behind. He hopes the same can be done with his fears tonight.

'Wanna eat? I've got some sandwiches, chicken or ham?'

'I want none, thanks', Jimmy refuses, 'Maybe you need to eat yourself, it's gonna take long'

'How on earth would I eat now?', Jeff spits with sudden anger, 'I'm petrified to death'

'I'll be all right, you'll see'

With his help Jeff gets the box out of the trailer. Jimmy walks around, checking it up, tapping on the wood. He's amazed with how much effort Jeff put into it to be true. 

'I didn't have time to come up with something prettier, hope you don't mind. Where?'

Jimmy points at the place near by. He takes shovel and starts digging under the dull distant light from the lighthouse. Soft chalk soil surrenders pretty easily to his satisfaction yet the hole they need to make is too huge for Jimmy to deal with task alone, they take turns. Jimmy watches Jeff working while he warms up drinking. He doesn't notice how fast the liquid in the bottle disappears. He's disappointed by this discovery, however things don't wait. By the time they finish they're both sweaty and their jackets are greasy from chalk and dirt, Jimmy's soft hands unused to working hurt, he must have got fresh calluses. He doesn't complain, only grimaces every time shovel's shaft rubs against his injuries. Finally Jeff pushes the box inside, it hits the ground with flump. Jimmy looks down.

'Jim, I–'

'Yes, I know. I have no choice'

'Crazy bastard'

His anxious mood transfers to Jimmy. He inspects the hole from above and it seems so deep and dark, only now he starts to understand what did he bring himself into but there is no way back. He squeezes to Jeff's wet palm because his own hands shake in fear. Jeff pulls him into tight embrace, rubbing his back, digging into his hair. Jimmy presses their foreheads together and sighs.

'I just have to. Tell me it's gonna be okay'

'You're strong, you can make it'

'Remember – only when the sun raises. I'll come back, wait for me'

'Do I have any choice?'

Jeff passes him blanket and Jimmy jumps down. He takes some time to nest inside his coffin when he's ready his voice betrays him and he just nods.

'Sure?'

'Just do it', Jimmy begs hoarsely. Jeff looks like he's about to freak out but he pushes the cover until the sky, stars and his pale face fully disappear from Jimmy's sight.

'Can you hear me? Is it fine?'

'Yes, it's okay for a few hours, I'll be fine'

The sound of the ground falling down is louder than Jimmy expected. He freezes inside, forcing his musically trained ears to get beyond it's abilities, to hear every step, every little noise but further Jeff buries him less he can hear. His eyes try to adapt to the darkness yet there is no glimpse of light to do so. Jimmy lays down speechless, numb, scared. He's blind and deaf and he disappears from the surface in this deep hole where no moon or sun or wind can reach, it's like he never ever existed and it's terrifying to know. Jimmy starts to panic, his heart pounds frantically and he's gulping air he needs so desperately now, but it makes things worse and Jimmy's afraid that they made a mistake. What if there is not enough oxygen, what if he'll suffocate? This though slowly drives him mad. He fights it, tries to reassure himself that everything is fine. Just a few hours, nothing can happen, right? His chest is trembling when Jimmy takes abrupt hysterical inhalations, his voice sounds strange but he tried to cling to this particular detail talking to himself. He places hands on his chest. That's right, he can hear himself, he feels the touches, the vein on his neck is throbbing pumping warm blood further inside of his body, so he's alive. He is. 

He stays still, now calm. Thoughts are floating in his mind just like the seaweed cuddled by the waves. Jimmy tries to listen to himself, his inner senses. He's cold and his back aches a bit from laying on the hard wood, he's not really hungry or thirsty. He's just very lonely. Was it the same before? If he was that lonely all these years how didn't he go crazy? Jimmy tries to count every single person he saw during their hey day, he even closes his eyes yet the faces melt into each other providing some blurry images that leave him clueless, he cannot even remember with how many women he slept. Whatever, who are they? Does it matter? In the end everyone will die and rot under the ground, so does it really matter what did he do in his life, whom did he love or hate or fuck? He thinks of Bonzo, lucky bastard who's already gone and feels no pain, then he thinks about his poor mother. Wouldn't she get sad if he dies? And what about baby Scarlet?

Jimmy vaguely remembers the day she was born. He wasn't home, he received a call from the hospital yet he didn't fully realize what happened before he actually got to hold Scarlet for the first time. He was scared to drop her down or break her delicate limbs and then when he puts her on his chest and felt her subtle breath over his cheek he suddenly was so proud. Like, fuck, he was responsible for creating new life, little human being and it's up to him to decide how would she grow up. The same as with music he made over decades but better, a lot better. Jimmy knows that people think of him as of heartless self-centric womanizer who cares nothing and no one but it wasn't true, it's just there are limited amount of people he takes thought for like his only daughter or his parents or Jeff. He feels desire to hold Scarlet right now and it hurts to think about never seeing her again, he wants to go home immediately, prove he isn't useless lost junkie.

'Jeff?', he tries to call, 'Jeff, can you hear me?'

Of course he can't. Jimmy stretches his hands and taps the cover but it's not enough. He keeps on tapping and pushing with no result, he starts to get angry and frustrated, he kicks inside the box so fiercely his palms burst in plain and he knows that no one will hear so he gives himself freedom to shout and curse all loud until he breaks into crying like a baby. Why did he even come here? What was he thinking, what was this for? He regrets it so much, he regrets everything he did but he's unable to fix anything from the grave.

Jimmy cannot calm down, he loses his voice and instead of screaming he whispers, 'Please, please let me out'. Nothing happens. He's trapped like a rabbit on hunt. 

He has no watch and even if he had it's too dark to see clock face. Jimmy isn't sure if it's been minutes or hours, he tries to count yet he keeps on loosing it after a while. He feels powerless, he thought he's powerless many times before yet only now he understands what it is like to be truly helpless. He could still do something up there, get drunk, high, angry, make decisions, stupid or not, here nothing depends on his will, nothing matters when you're buried alive underground. All he's got is damp darkness and cold and roughness of blanket he clings to. He has to subdue. He cannot even pray because he knows no gods he trusts, he always used to rely on himself so he grits his teeth and swears again releasing all the anger he was pushing back, he scratches the roof of the coffin and howls not bothered to be ashamed of how it looks. No one will know, it's okay, earth will soak up his secrets and angry incoherent confessions.

Jimmy's lost any hope when he finally hears some sort of noises. It must be Jeff, who else, Jeff came to save him from this nightmare. Jimmy is so impatient, he knocks with double force and calls Jeff's name again and again until comes the reply. 

'Jim? Are you hurt? Wait, just a moment, I'll get you out!'

'Hurry up!'

Shovel strikes the box and Jimmy can swear it's the most pleasant sound in the world. Finally Jeff moves the cover aside, Jimmy cannot wait any longer, he helps Jeff to push and then he is free again. The sun just shows up in the sky but after being underground Jimmy's blinded even by soft reddish light. First gulp of air fills his lungs and his head becomes dizzy, light and full of stupefying delight. Jimmy breathes so hungrily and heavily like a new born which he really is, he's knocked down not believing that it's over. Jeff's hands are around him, supporting him, framing him, warming him up. Jimmy hides his face on Jeff's shoulder, he smells dust, Jimmy doesn't mind, he's happy to smell anything besides earth, wood and death.

'Let me look at you. Jesus, I wasn't hoping to find you alive, I was so terrified you have no idea'

Jimmy laughs with relief and keeps pulling him closer. They sit on the cover for a while before he can fully adapt back to the real world. The colors are so bright even it's a rather grey dawn that he squints, sniffs the air, salty taste slowly fills his mouth and, oh god, it's so good to taste and see and hear again. 

Jeff holds him still to get a proper look at Jimmy's face. 

'You look different', he verdicts. 

'Better or worse?'

'Better'

Jimmy's too lazy to ask what had changed. He lets Jeff to share cigarette with him and get him some warm coffee from the car. And it tastes just right and Jimmy thinks that being alive is so beautiful. How come he never noticed?

They are both dirty and tired however Jeff insists they shall get back as soon as possible because he's fed up with this place. Jimmy takes time watching the sun, catching glimpses of waves at the distance and now sleeping lighthouse while Jeff is more concentrated on watching him.

'Is it you grey hair or chalk?', he says letting smooth lock to slip between his fingers. Jimmy simply shrugs in response, he doesn't really care. 

'What do we do with this?', he asks instead nodding at the coffin. Jeff grimaces the way people pull faces when they take a nice afternoon walk in the park and suddenly bump into the corpse of the wild bird. 

'I vote for leaving it here'

'Great idea' 

Jimmy stands up, shakes off the chalk from his clothes and takes Jeff's hand. His rough warm palm feels nice, he squeezes Jimmy so much that his injured hand hurts yet Jimmy doesn't make attempt to withdraw it. He knows no matter how many time he scrubs himself in the shower smell of chalk won't disappear for a while reminding him that it's not the end.


End file.
